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Monday, February 15, 2016
I am unbelievably terrified of the future. I am (hopefully) going to graduate by next year, and I have no bloody idea what I'm gonna do after that. I am soon supposed to be a contributing member of society and yet I have no idea what I have to offer. I don't feel ready. I literally have no idea how most things in life work. How do I find or apply for a (proper)job that doesn't go through some recruiting agency? How do I do taxes? How do I buy a house? How do I make sure I don't end up in debt? How do I make sure I don't let my work consume me? How do I make sure I won't lose interest in my job? How do I actually study? How do I socialise? How do I balance school and life? How do I feel happy? How can I make sure I stay motivated to do ANYTHING. I'm barely coping with university right now, though some might argue that I am not even doing that, how am I supposed to enter the workforce? What am I going to do? I honestly cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel and I am getting more and more worried. I don't want to end up being a useless member of society. Why doesn't school have lessons for this kind of things? I need help. Sunday, June 14, 2015 I can't stand living with my family anymore. That woman's pride and ego seems more important to her than anything else in the world. Seems like she has never grown pass 10 years old. Why, oh why did you ever have kids? To control like puppet? You clearly should have stopped at 1. Unfortunately for you, I am the opposite of what you wanted as a kid, or who you are as a person. We will never agree with anything and will never be family. That being said, since you decided not to abort me, you should at least be responsible enough to pay for my needs until I begin to work. If you didn't want to pay for it, abortion would have been the better option financial wise. Or a fall down the stairs, it's not that hard. I feel like scratching my face off. This can't be good for my mental health. Oh mental stability, why are you so elusive? For my birthday, I wish I was never born. Sunday, May 10, 2015 I've been on a dark/creepy video marathon for the past few days and I got reminded of this absolute gem I have watched a few years back: The Backwater Gospel If you have 10 minutes to spare, I highly recommend you watch it. It is truly a work of art. Dark, grimy and as violent as a short animated film can get feel, with lots of humanity in it, definitely one of my favourite short films. And for once, scrolling through the comment section was a joy. One comment stuck out to me in particular: "Attempting to run from the inevitable equaliser is equivalent to attempting to outrun your shadow. Regardless of your intentions and pursuits, one day, you will simply fall to the ground, and meet with that skeletal collector. Do not find this depressing. Instead, see it as a demand to act. Live as you would tomorrow today so tomorrow you may do as you wish." And the part that struck me to my core, "Death has patience. Life does not." The sentiment of make your time on earth worth while, so eloquently phrase. Looks like I have a new mantra. And if you've finished the video and want the writer's explanation of this short film, here's another comment to sum it up: "You guys arguing about religion being "right" or "wrong" and stuff really need to see the "Making of" video for this. It explains in good details what this whole thing is about. For people who can't be bothered, allow me to explain in a nice wall of text. The Town of Backwater is where this setting takes place. This town is constantly switching beliefs of God, praising Him during good times and cursing His name during the bad times. When this story is taking place, times are really bad. A heat drought is happening, crops have a hard time growing, morale is low. This is perfect for the Minister. The Minister wants to control the town. He doesn't actually believe in God, he just sees God as a means to control. He's not a real Christian. Since the town is being rough, the Minister is there to preach "salvation" and to "fear the Lord", because salvation gives the people a false sense of hope, which keeps them coming to the church, and if they fear the Lord, they'll fear the person preaching His Holy word. The Minister is the representation of the Old Testament. The tramp arrived to the town by accident. He was driving drunk one night and had an accident in the town, which destroyed his car and made him lose a leg. Since leaving the town is impossible, he decided to make his car into his own little personal house and live there for now. From day one, the Minister and the tramp hated each other. The tramp kept pointing out the hollowness of the Minister's teachings and faith and trying to make the other townspeople realize this, which angers the Minister, who sees the tramp as a thorn in his side that he just can't get rid of. The tramp is the representation of the New Testament, thinking that you don't need to constantly be in fear of God, that you'll be fine if you just do good things, so the teachings of the Minister to "fear the Lord" has no meaning for him, and he's not shy of letting the Minister know it ("Submit to the Lord!" "Why don't you try it?") The God in this story is the one of the New Testament. He doesn't believe in divine punishment, but the hypocrisy and selfishness of the town is driving him up the wall. So He decides to put the townspeople to the test by sending his Angel of Death to visit: The Undertaker. Contrary to the belief of people and of the children's song the tramp was singing, the Undertaker works directly under God's orders, instead of being some devil. The Undertaker goes to a town because someone will die, but everyone, excluding the tramp, believe that someone will die BECAUSE the Undertaker is in town, which makes them all fearful and panicky. So, God gives the townspeople a test by sending his Angel into the town, and ordering him to just sit and wait. The tramp sees him first, and decides to have some fun with the town by freaking them out ("The Undertaker's coming!"). This makes the townspeople scared and they immediately retreat back into their homes. This angers the Minister, since, like I said up there, he wants people to fear him, and he's losing power by having people fear the Undertaker instead. So, seven days pass, and the people are getting more and more scared, wondering why he's still waiting, wondering which one of them was going to die. The only one not fearful of the Undertaker is the tramp. Since the tramp has a New Testament way of thinking, he knows that the Undertaker isn't there to kill someone, so its destiny that will tell who will end up dead, and if it's him, so be it. On the seventh day, the Minister sees that he lost all control over his people, and he believes that the reason the Undertaker is still there is because the tramp is still around. So, on the seventh day, he brings all the frightened townspeople into the church and uses their fear to fuel an anger against the tramp, which makes them all go out to kill the tramp. The tramp, when he sees them coming, gets up and tries to run to the Undertaker for protection, but he falls. Even if he had made it, though, the Undertaker would've done nothing, since the Undertaker and God are only observing. The townspeople prove their selfish and arrogant nature by stoning the tramp right after the Minister says that the one without sin should cast the first stone. After they kill the tramp, they look at the Undertaker in the hopes for a reaction, but the Angel just sits there, waiting. Then, a rainstorm falls down, and, after a week of drinking, fear, desperation sleepless nights and the feeling of being forsaken by the Lord, the townspeople become bloodthirsty savages, and not a single one of them lives to the morning. So, what was the test sent by God? Well, the Minister was right in his teachings, about "one bad apple ruining the bunch". But it wasn't the tramp that was the bad apple, it was the Minister himself. Sure, the townspeople were scared, but if the Minister hadn't made them turn violent, the Undertaker would've simply left at the end of the seventh day with not a single life lost. God wanted to see if the townspeople would think for themselves instead of listening to the Minister's evil ways...and they failed. So the moral of the story? It's not "religion is bad", like many people seem to believe. The true moral of this story is "Think for yourself and do what is right." It doesn't matter if you're an atheist or a believer, as long as you do good, then only good will come out of it." It was unfortunate that I watched it for the first time not able to fully understand and grasp what message it was trying to convey other than the selfishness of humans. Second time around, I was able to get to what the writers tried to explain through this story and it made me love this even more. Sunday, April 5, 2015 I'm not happy with my body.
I'm not happy with my face.
I'm not happy with the level of skills I have on things I like to do.
Don't get me wrong, I don't hate myself (at least, not on most days), but I am not happy with me. What I do hate, is my attitude and my lack of willpower and motivation. I really want to do well in life, I swear. I just can't find it in me to try harder. Every time I try something new that I'm not immediately good at, I assume I'm horrible at it and never try it again. Even though I understand the concept of ' Practice makes perfect '. I get so discouraged so easily and it pisses me off.
I need to find something I like doing and make sure I do it until I'm good at it because so far, I apparently am good at ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. I can say I'm a useless piece of shit and be right.
I need to exercise and be healthier cause I don't want to die too young. Also I would like to look in the mirror and not feel like crying.
Get plastic surgery or whatever, I can't stand looking at my face sometimes.
And for all those people who tell people that getting plastic surgery is for insecure people: Get off your high horse, you never had to deal with having my face now, do you? So what if I'm doing it because I'm insecure? That just means I'll be more confident in myself after the surgery. So fuck off. I'll do what I want.
Saturday, February 14, 2015 Every time I go to a reunion dinner, I get reminded of why I hate socializing with my family. They are horrible, horrible people. Selfish, unreasonable, racist, sexist or elitist people. All gathered in one place. Good thing my brother is leaving for Australia for a few months, and I wouldn't have to deal with his selfishness and stupidity for a while. Sometimes I rather live alone. Quiet, peaceful and undisturbed. With a few pets and occasional outing with friends. Other times, I wish I could live with someone who gets my need for intimacy and quality time while understanding that alone time is precious to me as well. But where, oh where, can I find someone like that? Maybe it's because it's Valentine's day, so I'm feeling particular needy, but I wouldn't mind it if I had someone to hug me to sleep right now. But no fear, Wednesday Addams is here to save the day. Click here I wish she was real and my friend, we would get along very well. Tuesday, December 2, 2014 Seeing what is happening around the world is breaking my heart. The term losing faith in humanity is very much how I'm feeling right now. In Ferguson.
I do not care if he robbed a store.
I do not care if he is a 'thug'.
I do not care if he is 6"4.
He was unarmed and he did not deserved to die. Even if he committed petty crime, he did not deserve to die. Because petty crime is just that, petty. If people could be executed for petty crimes there would have no need for prisons and jails. How many white criminals have been apprehended alive when wielding guns, and they've actually killed people? So, yes this is about race and no one can tell me differently. How can someone gun down a 18 year old young man in cold blood and say his conscience is clean? He should have been wearing a taser but he didn't want to cause it was 'uncomfortable'? A young man died because he wanted to be comfortable.
In Ohio, Freaking 12 year old boy gunned down for playing with a toy gun. Again, how many white criminals have been apprehended alive when wielding guns, and they've actually killed people? A fucking school shooter is apprehended alive for god's sake. Tamir Rice was 12. Fucking 12 years old. How can you mistake a 12 year old for a 20 year old? And he wasn't even given first aid after he was shot. After the officer realized the gun was fake. In Mexico. Students are being kidnapped and murdered. Students. Kidnapped. By CORRUPTED POLICE. On the fucking mayor's orders. And given to gang members to murder, GIVEN. I have no words. To the people who are living in those places: Protest. Protest the hell out of it. Make the government do something. Because you know they sure as hell don't want to. Thursday, October 30, 2014 I am feeling like shit again and looking at pretty people makes me happy. Also, ripping out my uterus might help. I have no money for the pills or the scan, anyone wants it? Uterus transplant is possible now. I REPEAT, UTERUS TRANSPLANT IS POSSIBLE NOW. Science is awesome and my womb is up for sale. Oh my love, Tom, why aren't you here with me? Just looking at you would make my problems seem less daunting. Sigh, I just want someone to come home to, I guess. I would literally buy a husband if I had the money, no joke. Someone who is willing to listen to my nonsensical babble and entertain me with ridiculous arguments. And most importantly, realize I'm probably going to be forever insecure and will constantly reassure me that you actually like me. Maybe the last one is the reason I'm single, huh? Also might be a sign of a crazy ex-girlfriend. Watch out my future-most-probably-non-existent boyfriend(s?), I might eat lots of ice cream and cry over you for months! Wait, that will not have any effect you. Fuck. Second option: flaming bag of poop. After seeing it on Orange Is The New Black, I wanted to do it so badly. Have to find out if it's illegal. While looking at videos on YouTube, I stumbled across Break Free (click it, trust me) featuring the gorgeous Ruby Rose. It's an amazing example of gender fluidity. I did see the GIF set on tumblr before, but I never found out her name till now. Watch till the end(there is a surprise strap-on dildo in there, but hey, it's fun). I was unbelievably turned on and enthralled, just in a trance the entire time. She. Is. Beautiful. Both as feminine or masculine identities. Watching that seriously made my night better(no innuendo intended here). I can only wish that I can attain that level of beauty and sex appeal. I am kind of shallow and I am not ashamed. |
SiMin. 23 years old From Singapore. Studying at TUM Loves animals, tv shows, book, music, food and fashion. I'm insane and I love it. Stupid stuff makes me giggle. Steel Panther is forever my favourite. Hiddlestoned. |Twitter| |Facebook| |YouTube| |Instagram| |Victoria Frances (go see her art!)|
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