It's not time for my happiness this year, I guess. Whatever higher being out there, if there is one, please stop encouraging my pessimistic nature, I'm begging you. I don't know how much more pessimistic I can get.

I don't want to lose hope in myself.

I don't want to lose hope in people.

I want to be hardworking and study hard for my education, my future. But it's so physically, mentally and emotionally draining to do so. I absolutely hate studying something I have no interest it. It seems that I'm only interested in things I have no need to study for. And I am so scared. So, so scared of what's in the future for me. Because honestly, I don't see one. At least one that I am able to be really happy, that is.

I'm like a walking disaster. I love learning new stuff only when I'm not going to be tested on or use it. I want to be tough and mean so people won't hurt me, at the same time, I want to spread love and kindness. I love my alone time, but I get lonely really easily. I'm scared to trust and love people but I love so easily. The things do that I know is right brings me misery. It's like I'm created to be a useless member of society. Oh world, why so cruel?

Maybe I'm overreacting, maybe I'm too spoiled to see I'm privileged. I just want to know where I stand so I can deal with it. I know I need to fix my motivation and drive for my education, but there are so many things that is wrong with me. I don't think I will be done before I die.

To die broken, bitter and rejected by everything and everyone. Sounds like me.

Someone take my negative thoughts and feelings away from me, I don't want them.

I feel......sad. I know I shouldn't, I know I have no right to, but I do. What to do, what to do?

I should probably fix myself instead of depending on people to make me feel better. Shouldn't depend on people to fix me, it's not fair for them. Question is how? How do I fix myself? The things that are wrong with me is a long, long list. I should probably try though.

List if things wrong with me:

1) I'm pessimistic as it gets. But I still get upset when my predictions come true.

2) I'm very easily attached.

3) I'm very dependent on human interactions. (I know, I know, I love my computer too, but this is also important to me ok don't judge)

4) I care too much. This is not a 'once bitten, twice shy' kind of situation. I think I just jump in head first without thinking. I assume the people I care about will want to stay with me till the end, when they might not want to. I mean, two and counting already, I am not good at this.

5) I give the benefit of the doubt. I always prefer to know the whole story, even when I can guess. It's not a bad thing, but it makes me feel like shit most times.

6) I try to be reasonable. Same reason, not a bad thing, still makes me feel like shit.

7) I'm ugly. Don't even try to make me feel better about this ok, I look in the mirror everyday, I know what I look like and I look like a fucking troll. A ugly human on good days. I need to fix this ASAP. (Goal: get so hot I want to sleep with myself)

8) I'm a little obnoxious. I know I get a little overboard sometimes. I apologize to all that had to deal with it.
(Solution: Shut the fuck up when I have nothing to contribute.)

9) I'm all over the place. I don't have a set dream, my personality is still developing even though I'm an adult, I have no goals to work towards. I just take whatever I can get.

10) I am not hardworking. I just coast through life with the bare minimum. I need to fix this ASAP too.

11) I still live in my head. I can't stop running through the 'What ifs' situations. What if I wasn't such a huge bitch. What if I hadn't done this, or that. What if I wasn't born? That would have saved me a lot of trouble. Oh Doctor, won't you take me back in time to buy a condom for my parents?

12) I pretend to be emotionally stable. I am not.

13) I pretend to be happy. I am not.
I mean, I am, I just exaggerate that part. I feel like I shouldn't burden people with my tiny problems when they are not involved. It's good for other people, but sucks for me. Cry and leave the problem at home. That's my motto.

14) My relationship with my family is toxic. I cannot have a civil conversation with them without going to my room and ripping something apart. I need to leave.

15) I honestly, truly, cannot see my self-worth. To me, I'm totally worthless and replaceable. I am and I have been. I mean, not many people will miss me if I'm gone. I know my best friends will, and I love them to bits. But who else? I don't touch or affect people's life, I don't affect anything. I'm just here.

The list can go on and on, but refer to number 10, I'm too lazy. I shall leave more self loathing for another day. For now, I shall just be sad.

1. Pizza is the best. Also ice cream. And cake. Ok, desserts in general.
2. Do whatever you want unless it hurts other.
3. Unless they hurt you, then fuck them up(to the best of your ability).
4. Learn from your mistakes, but do not let them stop you from being adventurous. 
5. Same goes for regrets.
6. Whatever happens, you'll live. Unless it's fatal.
7. EXPLORE EVERRRRYTHING. The world, your talents, your fantasies, your sexuality. At most you find out what you don't like.
8. Buy a fluffy blanket. Trust me on this one.
9. Fangirl/fanboy over stuff. It's fun, especially when you do it with other people.
10. Have a sense of humour.
11. Read.
12. Watch horrible shows and criticize it. Lots of fun.
13. Don't judge others on how they dress, think, look, act. Unless it affects other people directly, shut the fuck up.
14. Take risks only if it will only affect you. Don't be an asshole and gamble with someone else's life without their consent.
15. Save money.
16. Be nice to animals, they love better than humans.
17. Dress well as much as possible. Hot people are lurking around somewhere, you just got to find out where. 
18. Money matters, but so do your happiness. Weigh the pros and cons, then decide.
19. Pretend all you want, be don't lie to yourself. You'll get better at pretending if you don't have a mental breakdown.
20. Own a few pairs of awesome kick ass shoes. Look good, feel good
21. Buy perfume. Smelling nice helps with your mating call to the hot people species. (I hope so)
22. Advice from the awesome Tyrion Lannister : Embrace your flaws.
23. Live life to your fullest. Though if you don't want to, that's cool too.

Labels: Bucket List, To Do list