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Saturday, March 29, 2014
I'm finally updating this blog for my one reader: Hello Jia Min! I'm feeling down so I have to make myself feel worse with something else so I won't think about that other thing. Impeccable logic I have. ONWARD TO MY ROAD OF SELF LOATHING AND MISERY! :D Over the years I've come to terms that me and my mother will never have a good relationship, but it's in recent years that I've begin to not feel so guilty over it. I'm sorry I don't love her, and I'm sorry I feel like she doesn't love me. I may not love her, but I do respect her in some way; she's very independent and intelligent in her own line of work and she is very hard working. But I'm grateful she never really raised me because her morals and mine are so different it's hard for us to even be civil to each other sometimes. I don't remember the last time I heard something positive from her about me ever. All I ever gotten from her was that I wasn't good enough to be the daughter she wanted me to be. I guess that how I gotten so self-defeatist. I feel that she doesn't love me, only she only feels responsible for me. Because she has the misfortune of having me as a daughter, she wants me to be the best I can be because she's my mother. And only in a way she wants. I cannot stand her narrow minded view and her blatant disregard to my happiness and feelings. I have lost count how many times she has made me feel like shit and cry myself to sleep when I was little. To me, that is not love. As I grew older, it affect me less, but it really affected my confidence in trusting others to love me back. And I am sorry. I really am, I know she didn't expect me to turn out like this, to spend nine months carrying me, giving birth to me and paying for my life and in return I don't love her. I'm sorry I'm not the daughter she wanted. I wouldn't want me as a daughter either. And I'm sorry both of us cannot bring ourselves to love each other. But don't worry, I'll return everything in full, I'm not ungrateful for your financial support. I'm just really sad that our family is so, for a lack of a better word, separate. And my father, I don't remember having an actual conversation with him ever. I don't remember him having an actual conversation with anyone in my house ever. All words exchanged are always one-sided with him. I guess that's how my need for validation. I don't even know anything about him. I only found out his real name when I was in primary 4 or 5. It's so sad, I don't even know what to write about him. For the biggest part of my life, my only source of love and affection was from my neighbor/caretaker. I love her to bits and the feeling is reciprocated. When I was old enough to realize that I was so god damn grateful for her. She taught me by example to be open minded and loving and just be contented with what you are and I cannot thank her enough. I won't be able to live like how she wanted me to, but she's the main reason I didn't turn out worse than I am now. And she's not even related to me. Which is why I love this saying: The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb. This is how I always felt since young but everyone always tells me the popular but misinterpreted saying: Blood is thicker than water. Family always comes first. Turns out it's the exact opposite of what it's supposed to mean. Jokes on you guys! I never understood why people always say you have to love your family, just because they are related to you. Blood relations means nothing if there isn't chemistry, love, trust and common experience. I mean, if you love your mother, it's because of the things she has done for you, it's because she loves you too, not because you happen to be related to her. There is nothing wrong in loving someone for who they are, but it's not a moral obligation to love someone based on blood relations. If you are only doing stuff for your relatives solely because they are your relatives, then that's not love, that's a feeling of responsibility. You do not owe your relatives love just because. If they are mean, toxic and judgmental, go ahead and dislike them, they are not worth it. YOU should decide if you love anyone, based on YOUR OWN feelings. Don't let anyone tell you that you can't or are supposed to love anyone, it's your feelings, not theirs. If you love someone that doesn't love you back, well, that's unfortunate. At least you are true to yourself and you have nothing to be ashamed of. If you don't love someone that loves you, well, it's not love if you have to force it. Be nice and respectful. You owe everyone respect until they lose it. |
SiMin. 23 years old From Singapore. Studying at TUM Loves animals, tv shows, book, music, food and fashion. I'm insane and I love it. Stupid stuff makes me giggle. Steel Panther is forever my favourite. Hiddlestoned. |Twitter| |Facebook| |YouTube| |Instagram| |Victoria Frances (go see her art!)|
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