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Tuesday, June 17, 2014
I'm getting nowhere in life and it scares the shit out of me. I'm used to not getting things I want, but when it affects my future, I'm worried. Where will I be in ten years, or twenty years? I honestly cannot see a future. All I can see is nothing. I'm scared. So, so scared. I think if I knew I'll be dead by then I would be less scared. Twisted, but I can't deny it. Nothingness is scary. Loneliness is painful. Both are products of my own actions and behavior, I know that. I just want a restart button for my life. I would do things so differently. I would be a different person. I would study harder, don't ever depend on family for affection, and be nicer and open up more to my friends. I act like I'm an asshole most of the time, it's hard to be nice now. And I try to be to the ones I love. I'm am so sorry if I ever made you feel bad, I swear I didn't mean it. I want to start changing my life now, but I'm so scared. What if I try really hard, but it won't work? I really don't want to be set up for disappointment, especially being disappointed in myself. I already am. My really close friends see snippets of what I really am like, but if they did see what I am, truly, I think they would be really disappointed and underwhelmed. I can't help myself, I rather sabotage myself than see me fail because of something else. I don't have any control over my life, I don't want to see failure when I actually tried and put in effort. No, I want to succeed, and if not, fail because of me. Not because someone think I'm not good enough. Not because someone thinks I'm unworthy. I hate this attitude of mine, but it's hard to change. It's like teaching an old dog new tricks. A very stubborn and paranoid dog. |
SiMin. 23 years old From Singapore. Studying at TUM Loves animals, tv shows, book, music, food and fashion. I'm insane and I love it. Stupid stuff makes me giggle. Steel Panther is forever my favourite. Hiddlestoned. |Twitter| |Facebook| |YouTube| |Instagram| |Victoria Frances (go see her art!)|
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