It's not time for my happiness this year, I guess. Whatever higher being out there, if there is one, please stop encouraging my pessimistic nature, I'm begging you. I don't know how much more pessimistic I can get.

I don't want to lose hope in myself.

I don't want to lose hope in people.

I want to be hardworking and study hard for my education, my future. But it's so physically, mentally and emotionally draining to do so. I absolutely hate studying something I have no interest it. It seems that I'm only interested in things I have no need to study for. And I am so scared. So, so scared of what's in the future for me. Because honestly, I don't see one. At least one that I am able to be really happy, that is.

I'm like a walking disaster. I love learning new stuff only when I'm not going to be tested on or use it. I want to be tough and mean so people won't hurt me, at the same time, I want to spread love and kindness. I love my alone time, but I get lonely really easily. I'm scared to trust and love people but I love so easily. The things do that I know is right brings me misery. It's like I'm created to be a useless member of society. Oh world, why so cruel?

Maybe I'm overreacting, maybe I'm too spoiled to see I'm privileged. I just want to know where I stand so I can deal with it. I know I need to fix my motivation and drive for my education, but there are so many things that is wrong with me. I don't think I will be done before I die.

To die broken, bitter and rejected by everything and everyone. Sounds like me.

Someone take my negative thoughts and feelings away from me, I don't want them.